Meditation Panic

Published by Laurie on Tagged Meditation, Health, Anxiety, Mindset

Here’s a question.  How screwed up does someone have to be to have a full-blown panic attack in the middle of meditating?  That is exactly what happened to me. 

I have recently started to learn the practice of meditation to calm myself.  My problem is my mind races all the time.  I can’t seem to ever obtain a quiet mind.  I read some pretty good articles on the psychological benefits of meditation and I was convinced this was for me.

I’ve never been a big fan of drugs or alcohol for relaxation.  I like my reality straight up.  Although, I do exercise, and that does take the edge off a bit, still, even while I’m exercising, my mind won’t slow down. 

Sometimes I see my husband just sitting in the living room, not watching television, but just sitting, I ask him what he’s thinking,   He says…”nothing”.  I say, how can you be thinking of nothing!  He says, it’s easy.  I can’t even imagine that.  Not even for a second. I’ve been actually working towards a few moments of a peaceful mind, and his mind is blank half the time he’s home.

Panic Episode
Well, as I say, I have been working on meditating for a few months now, and it’s coming along a lot better than I thought, especially after my first experience.  That’s the panic attack episode.  I downloaded a free mp3 online from some site and downloaded it my Ipod. Later that evening, I went up to my bedroom, lay down on the bed and closed my door.

I put on my earpiece and started it up.  First thing I noticed was it was a woman’s voice.  She said she was a therapist and that meditation was great for this and for that, OK, OK, lets get to it. 

Here’s how it went (my thoughts in blue)
Find a nice relaxing place, where you feel comfortable, and will not be disturbed.
Check
Get yourself into a relaxing position
Check
I want you think of a pleasant and peaceful scene, something very serene…
OK, a nice beach, with no one there, on a hammock between some palm trees
Perhaps in a forest, near a clearing, with a stream of sparkling water running…
Oh crap, get off the beach, think of a forest, hey when’s the last time I was in a forest, I went camping a couple of times, but there were trailers right next to us and there was no stream…STOP IT.  Calm down and listen.  Hell, just stay on the beach, I missed what she just said…
Now I want you to imagine a relaxing wave flowing over your whole body, starting at the top of your head, imagine relaxation flowing over your head, flowing flowing, down the back of your neck, all tension is floating away.
Oh, this pillow is in a bad position, my neck is feeling stiff, should I move the pillow or should I just lie here, I better not move…
Now the wave is moving over your shoulders and down your arms and out your fingertips
My arm itches….it really itches…should I scratch it?…I better scratch it, I won’t be able to concentrate if I don’t
Now your arms and shoulders are completely relaxed.  If thoughts enter your mind, just gently push them away.
Push them away!  I haven’t stopped thinking the whole time…why can’t I stop thinking…oh yeah, think about the beach, or the forest.  Whatever…just shut up!
Notice your breathing, how easy and relaxed it is.
Oh God, I can’t breath…I have to take a deep breath.  This even breathing isn’t giving me enough air, OK deep breath, now stop it and relax
Now feel the wave of relaxation flowing over your chest, around your heart, and your heart muscles, your heart is beating steady and calm
I think I’m having a heart attack!  My chest is tight…this is not normal…oh God, I can’t breath…deep breath…calm down you idiot.  The wave didn’t even get to your legs…Should I quit right now and call Mike (my husband)  I can’t breath, my arm still itches, my neck is tense, my heart is pounding.  Stop it, just breath…
Now feel the wave flowing…

Here’s where I rip off the earpiece, and go downstairs.  I proceed to get a glass of water.  My husband asks me how it went.  I almost start crying, …I say, I can’t even meditate! I just had a freaking panic attack while laying on our bed listening to a meditation tape.  I’m  pathetic.  He starts to laugh.  Perfect!

Feeling much better
Well, I’m glad to report that I didn’t get discouraged.  You should have seen my husband’s face when I told him I was going to try again.  He’s like, Yeah…ok. 

Now I’m using a really good tape.  I found a site that I really like called Secrets of Meditation. (I figured there must be a secret to this) I signed up for the free e-course and downloaded some meditations.  (a man’s voice this time) I don’t know if that made a difference or not, but no panic attacks.  Good news there.  I also signed up for the newsletter, which assured me that I’m not a total freakazoid.  I’m just stressed and have never taken the time to quiet my mind.  I have to say, each time I start, I almost feel like this is a waste of precious time.  I have so much to do.  I can’t afford 20-30 minutes sitting on my butt. 
But afterward, I’m glad I did.  I still haven’t heard what my silent mind sounds like, but I do think a lot less than that first fiasco.  Now if I could just learn to shut up completely, for even 5 minutes.  Silence. That is my goal.

Stumble it!

August 16th, 2007