Losing Stamina
Published by Laurie on Tagged Life, Aging, Midlife, MindsetIn my younger days I could function on a few hours of sleep. I could go from morning till night without having to make several pots of coffee just to keep my eyes open. I could fly up the stairs with loads of laundry without being winded. I miss the physical stamina that I once possessed. Even back then, I realized it wouldn’t last forever. I knew the physical demands would soon take a toll on an aging body. I don’t like it but I can accept it.
What I can’t accept is my dwindling emotional stamina. I was always emotionally strong and motivated, I liked being in control of my life and would rise to the task daily. When the chips were down, I was at my best. I would rise up to whatever dilemma and take the bull by the horns. I would morph into super control freak, and I would not rest until the crisis had been solved.
Lately, I find that my emotional state becomes apathetic without something (usually something bad) to snap me out of it. Could it be that just as my body has worn down over the years by the physical demands placed on it, and now my mind has done the same? I feel emotionally drained much more frequently now. I often adopt a flat affect, like I have to emotionally take a rest.
Now, the only way to light a fire under my butt is for there to be a crisis looming on the horizon, and only then do I feel that passion or motivation for life that I once felt on a regular basis. It’s funny that what I would strive for, balance, harmony, peace, are the very things that let me slip into this apathetic state, and disharmony, chaos, upheaval, have become my only motivating factors anymore. It seems like the classic “careful what you wish for”.
Is this an inevitable part of aging? Am I just so worn down from past experiences that I no longer have the ability to maintain a motivated emotional state? When I try to remember how I managed to stay focused, stay on top of things, to get out of bed, and jump into my days with enthusiasm, I remember one thing. I really had no other choice. I had small children who depended on me, I had to keep going. I can’t honestly ever remember feeling like I wanted to curl up in a ball and rest. I don’t think I ever let myself even consider it, because I knew that was not an option.
Ironically, I’m happiest (if you can call it that) when there is a crisis in my life. That’s when I capture that focus and enthusiasm I had in my youth. But after the storm has passed or has been averted, I find myself slipping into apathy soon after. I am losing my emotional stamina. I have trouble keeping it going, and building on success like I used to. It’s almost like the years have taken everything out of me. Now, instead of fully solving a problem or situation, I have just enough emotional stamina to get over the hump. Then I fall apart. I don’t like this at all. I want to stay motivated like I used to.
Last year, my husband was out of work for 6 weeks. I was able to summon the physical and emotional strength to get through it. In hindsight, I see I was focused and pretty happy with myself during that time. I was on top of my game. I did what needed to be done and we got through it, afterwards, I slipped right back into my periodic apathy.
It’s only when things start to fall apart, or an emergency arises that I re-capture that continual focus I had in my youth.
I’ve come to the conclusion that either I’m too hard on myself, after all, I’ve been responsible and dependable all of my life, and decline is inevitable or I’m not hard enough on myself. I know that given a back-to-the-wall situation, I can rise up to it. So why do I wait until I’m backed into a corner? Maybe I should view the “quiet” times much harsher than I do. I need to start swimming again and stop treading water but I can’t seem to find the urgency in that.
Am I so screwed up that trials and tribulations are the key to my happiness? I hope not.
September 27th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
It sounds like you conditioned yourself to <i>only</i> respond in crisis. For whatever reason, that was the thing that got you going, and now you simply don’t know any other way. You conditioned one response only, and never learned any other method of motivation.
In your youth, this probably seemed exciting. It’s natural for younger people to be more thrill seeking. The adrenaline rush was probably a great feeling, but now you don’t know how to kick it into gear without the adrenaline going first.
You never learned to go because it’s what you should do. you only learned to go because it’s what you <i>had</i> to do.
Being a mother and having a family to raise, you now need stability more than thrills. That’s why it’s tiring to be in a crisis state all the time. Not only have your needs changed, but so has your chemistry. Your body doesn’t want that much adrenaline anymore.
No, the trials and tribulations are not the key to your happiness. It’s simply all that you know. What it comes down to is that you need to learn some skills that you never learned. Just start small. Do little things, not when you have no choice, but just because you can.
Go to work 10 minutes early. Wake up 10 minutes early. Whatever. Just something little. Then move on to bigger things.
Then move on to bigger things.
September 28th, 2007 at 3:36 am
I say try a hobby you have always wanted to take up.
September 28th, 2007 at 7:05 am
I found this piece fascinating and now I am going to write a one on brain chemistry. I agree with Fiar - we get so addicted to the adrenalin rush that nothing seems as strong when we don’t have it. I have seen PET scans of people who are constantly in the fright or flight stage - and the back area of the brain - our most primal area - is lit up like a Christmas tree. When we are at peace the frontal cortex is illuminated. The more primal part of the brain the “more” we feel. I don’t think anything is wrong with you - I just think I may be an adjustment for you to believe this is ok…
September 28th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Fiar and Beth - everything you’re saying makes perfect sense. I can see myself needing the “rush” of crisis to get me moving in a positive direction. Fiar is right on the money suggesting that this has become a conditioned response. So basically, crisis and upheaval are my drugs and I’m addicted, and if that is truly the case, maybe I need to look at how to change addictive behaviors. That might be the direction I need to head.
Chris - I only wish I had a hobby I have always wanted to take up. Unfortunately, I have been so wrapped up in the life stuff, I don’t really know what floats my boat.
September 28th, 2007 at 7:59 am
[…] over at Midlife Perspective wrote a great article on Losing Stamina. She, like many of the rest of us, does not have the […]
September 29th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
As I headed into my fifties I recall feeling much the same way. In fact, I would actually generate a crisis to keep me feeling good about myself. I was the ‘get it done, go to gal’. Funny thing, I lectured this past week on the theories behind addiction and landed on several ‘addictions’ but failed to touch on the ‘adrenaline rush’. Freud would probably label that ‘denial’.
My theory is that the apathy has to do with age. As I unearth some of my old posts from The Chronicles I know that I am going to find many days where I wrote about this feeling. However, as I head into being 53 I am more at ease with what you call those ‘apathetic’ times. If I pay attention during those times I can hear the ‘me before stress overtook my life’ and I became addicted to it, trying to come through. Be patient. Don’t stir the pot. Dwell in the quiet moments, it is when you will learn more about the person you are becoming.
October 1st, 2007 at 8:30 am
Danielle,
I think I might have realized that I am stirring the pot, to create the turmoil I so desperately need but don’t want. I am trying to be more patient. Patience has never been my strongsuit. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I love the fact that I can revisit my thoughts and these comments to remind myself to take it as it comes. Thank you.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
I can’t do better than my previous commentators. The adrenaline rush makes sense to me. I can’t relate at all to it though, because I DO just want to crawl under a rock when things get tough. Just come knock on my rock when it’s over.
You made me think of just how opposite I react to these same situations.