I Wasn’t Born Yesterday

Published by Laurie on Tagged Parenting, Family, Nostalgia

My short term memory may be declining but my long term memory remains intact.  I remember a good portion of my high school years, and more memories keep flooding back almost daily now that my kids are at that age.

I remember all of the not-so-smart (aka stupid, asinine) things I did, and I remember that my parents weren’t aware of any of them.  As far as my parents were concerned, I was a good kid, near perfect.  I was active in school, had good grades.  I was a hard worker, I got a job at 14 and have been gainfully employed ever since.  I never got into trouble at school, I never got into any trouble with authorities.  I was by the book all the way.  I remember when some of their friend’s children got into some trouble, they would brag about how their daughter would never be involved in anything like that.  OK, now I feel bad.

It’s not that I didn’t respect my parents, I did.  It’s not that I didn’t fear my parents, believe me, I did.  It’s not that I didn’t feel guilty, each time I made a bad decision I did feel guilty for a brief moment.  I was fed a consistent diet of guilt and fear on a regular basis as I was growing up.  I just thought I new it all at that age.  I really felt that I knew what was best for me, and I could handle everything that might come my way.  After all, I wasn’t a baby.  I was in high school.

My parents tried to steer me in the right direction, they warned me of the dangers of smoking, but I still smoked.  They warned me of the dangers of drinking, but I still drank. They warned me never to hitchhike, I still hitched rides.   They warned me about smoking pot, I smoked pot.  To an outsider, you would think I was purposely being insolent, but I honestly don’t remember consciously wanting to defy them.  Like I said, I just thought I knew more than they did. 

I knew if I wanted to do all the things they told me were dangerous, or illegal, or just unacceptable that I would have to do so surreptitiously.  So I did.  That was no small feat in and of itself.  My mom was quite the snooper.  (She could have personally trained the NSA in eavesdropping techniques) She would listen to my phone conversations on the extension, she would “clean” my room regularly and just happen to find things that were hidden under my mattress.  (I never knew it got dirty between the mattress and boxspring, but apparently it does, and quite often)  She looked in pockets, she read diaries, she went through my drawers.  There were no civil liberties in my house and my parents didn’t apologize for that in any way.  They were of the mind that I was their responsibility and they could use whatever means necessary to keep me on the straight and narrow. Although, looking back, all it did was drive me underground.  But all’s well that end’s well right?  No permanent damage from those stupid years. Really it was sheer luck that I came out unscathed. 

All throughout my high school years, my parents believed that I never tried drugs, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink, and certainly never got behind the wheel of a car after drinking.  Don’t get me wrong, I did get caught smoking once, but I used the tried and true “They’re not mine, I’m holding them for someone else.  I would never do something so stupid like smoke” and as far as I can tell, the line worked beautifully.  Looking back, I was so good at deceiving (what I like to call re-directing attention), I think I might have even fooled me.
 
This is why I felt a little ambiguous about my kids interim report cards that arrived over the weekend.  They both are doing excellent in school.  I am thrilled, and very proud of them, (and yes I praised them both) and I should be sighing a huge sigh of relief, but at the same time, my ears are perked and I’m on alert.  I know it’s not as simple as checking something off of the “How can you tell if your child is doing drugs” list and think “Good grades, OK, they’re fine”

I remember how well I pulled the wool over my parent’s eyes.  Granted, I don’t snoop and I do try to respect my kids privacy, also I try to respect their opinions on things, even when I don’t agree, or know that they are being completely irrational, I try to impart my wisdom upon them, and hope that a fraction of it is sinking in.  But still, in my mind I know they’re not nearly as perfect as they portray themselves to me.  They know, just as I did, to stay under the radar.  Don’t put up any red flags, and like their Mom, they seem to be doing an excellent job in that respect.  Still, I can’t help but feel a little uneasy.  I can’t accuse them of anything at this point, but I don’t want to wait until they make a really bad decision that I can’t fix.  I would love to head it off at the pass, before the damage is done. 

My son in particular worries me. He is in 10th grade.  He has been working since he was 14 and still does work, he gets great grades, he’s liked by all of his teachers and even other parents.  I did find cigarettes once (in a common area of the house, no snooping…yet) and guess what?  They were someone elses, he was just holding them because his friend was afraid to take them home. Sound familiar?

Believe me, I don’t want to look for trouble, and if he is truly keeping his nose clean then great. But I can’t let my guard down. As I love to tell him often, I wasn’t born yesterday.  I’m aware of some of his friends that have gotten into trouble.  All I can do is use their predicaments as examples.  Let him see how lives can be screwed up royally with one bad decision.  Again, hoping it sinks in.

 I’m trying to veer off of the guilt and fear route that my parents took. (although a little thrown in for good measure can’t hurt)  From experience, and the experiences of both of my sisters, this didn’t seem to work completely.  Yes, we are all fine, no drug addictions, no teenage pregnancies, everyone’s alive, but again, sheer luck. 

If my children’s strategy is the same as mine was, to keep up the appearances with good grades, responsibility, and respect for authority, then I have to hand it to them, they are good.  I see promising careers in politics. 

Or maybe they are smart, perfect children, and they listen to everything I tell them, and realize that I’m right about everything.  If my birthday was yesterday, I might believe that. 

I’m hoping that it’s something in the middle, and my goal is for all of us to make it out, unscathed.

Stumble it!

September 30th, 2007