Uncle Dad

Published by Laurie on Tagged Family, Anxiety

Eight years ago I was divorced from my first husband.  Eight years ago, my sisters and I got a new brother.  Same guy.  Weird.

I thought I had one of the greatest divorces ever on record.  I was divorced in 1999 from my husband of 10 years and the father of both of my children.  The kids were young 7 & 8 years old.  I’m not saying it was easy, divorce never is.  But I thought we handled it well, relative to all of the horror stories one usually associates with divorce.  We didn’t use a lawyer, we went online and found a “generic” divorce agreement and edited it with all of our own personal information and agreements.  We went to court together, stood in front of the judge, was granted a divorce, and that was that.  (except for the fact that my family was unforgivably horrible to me during that time.  My own parents couldn’t accept the divorce, and pretty much adopted my husband and disowned me)  If not for that situation, it would have been almost painless.

We sold the house, split the profits, split up the debts, (for the most part).  The only thing my husband had a problem with was that he didn’t want to split his retirement.  I conceded that and gave up any claims to his pension and retirement.  I found a place to rent with the kids, and he moved back in with his parents.  He took the kids every other weekend,  we spoke almost daily regarding the kids.  I went to great pains to have the divorce seem as unobtrusive as possible for my children.  They never felt “funny” about talking about their dad, or calling him whenever they wanted.  It was almost as if we were still married, just living apart as far as the kids were concerned.  I kept his last name, even when I remarried and still today, so that my kids and I would have the same last name.  It was just as we had planned.  We both put our differences aside as far as the kids were concerned. 

Things went on like that for a while.  Even after I re-married, the kids never felt like they couldn’t talk about either of us in front of the other.  We really did try to keep things as “normal” for lack of a better term, as possible. 

Not everything in my opinion was “normal” though.  My ex was and still is very close to my parents.  Even when he had the kids on the weekends, he would usually spend weekends with my parents, and the kids would visit with their grandparents.  Like I said, it was almost as if we were still married, but we weren’t. 

In retrospect, perhaps we tried too hard.  My ex is still best friends with my dad.  (they just returned from a week long golfing trip together)  He is always at my folks house, even when I stop by, he’s always there.  I guess I don’t have a problem with that if it weren’t for the fact that he should be strengthening his relationship with the kids, not my parents.  Especially now that the kids are older. I fear he’s losing touch with them completely, now that visitation isn’t structured anymore.  It can’t be, they are in high school, working, extra-curricular activities.  They’re busy now.  I wish he would take the extra initiative to visit.  To get involved in their lives, instead he has let them slip away.  This is not what I intended.  But I fear this is exactly what I have enabled.   I made sure everything was going to be so “Dr. Phil” that I bent over backwards to accommodate everyone else.  No one had to adjust to anything.  I feel like I adjusted for them.  Now, I am regretting that somewhat.  The kids never call their dad for anything like rides, or a few bucks, or anything.  They treat him more like a nice Uncle, rather than a dad.  They feel anything they ask of him is a favor.  I really don’t know when this happened, but this is not what I had in mind.  I wanted them to annoy, irritate, depend on him, just like they do me.  That is how it should be.

Instead, my ex is like my brother in the respect that my parents treat him like their son, actually their favorite son.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he was named executor of their estate.  Somehow, I have become the stepchild in my own family. It’s crazy.  I don’t even know if this rant is making any sense to anyone.

The end result to all of this is that somehow I have lost a husband but gained a brother, my kids are losing a father and gaining an uncle and my parents have lost a son-in-law and gained a son.  Yes, it’s true my kids never had to experience the fighting or animosity between their parents, but they have experienced a slow, insidious shift in thinking.  Ultimately ending up with just one real parent, while the other is the nice uncle that will take them on vacation occasionally and call them once in a while.  I’m beginning to think my careful planning is not panning out quite as I had hoped. 

Now, I feel that if I state my concerns and stir the pot, I might bring on the strife for myself and my kids that I have been trying so desperately to avoid all these years.  My present husband says it’s just their father’s loss, that he’s missing out on the relationship with his children as they grow up, but it is also my kid’s loss.  Missing out on a relationship with their father during these important years. 

If I say something, my parents, my ex, and possibly my kids might be hurt, so instead I say nothing and just vent.  This is typical of many of the problems that are in my life.  Worrying about other people’s feelings, not making the necessary changes needed and just venting without action.  It all just makes me so tired.

Stumble it!

October 14th, 2007